My mom was my best friend clichéd as it might sound. We fought like cat and dog. Yet she was the only one I called when I decided to quit my job, when I wanted to travel, or when I needed help deciding whether I should venture out on my own.Because if I had her approval I knew I was on the right track. She loved me unconditionally. She taught me how to be an independent woman. I shared her love for bags and shoes and she shared mine for spending money.
As a child I always had friends popping by and she always had snacks ready when they did. She was loud mouthed *which always embarrassed me* and she laughed fiercely. When she passed away my life literally fell apart. Things I used to enjoy like birthdays, beach day’s , shoe shopping and a gazillion other things which used to give me such pleasure , felt meaningless. Most days I felt empty inside. I honestly thought she would live forever and I was shocked when she didn’t.
The months following her passing, I spent my days de-cluttering the house , reading the five stages of grief, popping copious amounts of tissue salts and having the most supportive partner in the world stop life just for me.
I don’t visit her grave because I don’t believe she is there.I imagine her soul to be where rivers of milk run freely and date palms grow abundantly this is based on stories she used to tell me. Shaded by a tree she watches over me. On the anniversary of her death I visit the The Haven night shelter in my area. Because the biggest lesson I learnt from my mom was to do for others because it creates good luck in your own life. But it’s not even about that. I visit the Haven so that my mom knows I haven’t forgotten, it might be a drop in the ocean but it makes me feel like things are okay.
I have learnt that grief has no time line and that’s okay too. Because maybe I’m supposed to be reminded how it feels to lose the most important person I have ever loved.Because after that no matter what life throws at me I know I will be okay.
Sometimes when I’m out and about, I make a mental note and other times I say it out loud, “I can’t wait to tell mom….” The mind tricks you. Or maybe it’s just life reminding me that even though I cant see her she is all around me and always will be. I have finally realized that a mother’s love is eternal and transcends this earthy plane. Her teachings and who she was echoes in everything she has left behind.
Before posting this I came across ‘A letter to the motherless on Mother’s Day.’Where the author, Jenna Rose sums up what I wanted to say in words I couldn’t find.
‘Happy Mothers day to all motherless children. Today is your day too. Celebrate her,start a new tradition, live life to the fullest, and most importantly remember that even through the darkest of days,life still goes on.”